“I am tired of living this life.”
“I want to end this pain.”
“I can’t take it anymore.”
“This is so much for me to bear.”
“When will this stop?”
Some common words we hear on people that are struggling and in so much pain. Behind all these words are deeper wounds that cause their mind to give up thinking and everything just shut off.
These thoughts don’t just come up with a sudden splash but as we think about it and feel the intensity of every word, little did we know we are creating a monster inside.
Yes, I call suicidal thoughts a monster because it is a destroyer, a killer, and a stealer of our soul.
Suicidal thoughts don’t just happen in one painful situation in our life but it is like a picture of an empty clean jar and someone puts a dirty waste on it little by little until it burst because the jar can’t contain the dirty waste put on it.
When I was in my childhood days more likely teenage life, I got to experience suicidal thoughts. Well, those days I don’t know that I was suffering from those thoughts until someone told me when I was in college.
In those times no one knows that I’ve been through with it because I tried to hide it with myself. I was afraid that people won’t understand or they might judge me. I was full of shame and guilt. It feels like the dark overpowers the light that is in me. I was very hopeless. I can’t think right or do right.
Whatever I do I always go back to that feeling of being alone again. I felt like no one loved me, no one was there when I desperately need help. In those times I’ve heard my soul crying out for help, dreadfully in pain to be rescued.
Everything in me became numb. I don’t talk to people not even to my family or closes friends. I was pretending that I was okay even though my soul was screaming from the inside. I isolated myself from everyone because I thought they are all my enemies. They had all became the suspect of my grieving.
I’ve seen myself that I was in a place of nowhere. There’s no hope, no one can trust, no love. Everything was just plainly dark more like the feeling of hell.
Suicidium is the Latin word for suicide, which means, the act of taking one’s own life.
And because of all the unbearable pain, I go through I led to the thought of ending my life at the age of 12 years old. All I knew then I was useless, not valuable, and not worthy of so-called “life”.
The depression I suffered resulted in suicidal thoughts and came to a plan of committing suicide for 3 several times. Yes, I committed suicide 3 or more times. I was so convinced to end my life because I believed in the monster that was in me. It stole, killed, and destroyed my life.
But what happened after the suicide attempts?
It was a miracle that I can’t clearly explain even to myself until now. But all I know is that God Intervened.
Now, I know that some of us may question God, “Why did He allow traumatic events in our life to happen, that leads to end our life?”
I think some of us know the answer or perhaps can search the answer to the pastor’s sermon or godly friends’ advice. But I believe the answer lies to how we encounter God Himself.
When God intervened in those suicide attempts, He made sure that I will know Him personally and radically.
So, what’s next after God intervened?
I experienced freedom from within. It was like the chains are breaking down and my soul finally said, “it is well oh my soul”.
Yes, I go to church every Sunday with my family, I pray to God, I hear good things about Him. But I never knew God until He made Himself known to me.
But the journey continues right? Life goes on. Every day is a new day to face another monster in our life. I tell you it was not easy, it was much painful for me, why? Because nothing changed in my situations.
I still got bullied and no encouragement from my family but my life does change, on how I’ve seen things, how I felt from within – the joy that rises to my bones that gave me thrills every time I looked back on those times that God showed Himself to me and said, “I created you and I loved you – you are mine”.
Now, how did God change my suicidal thoughts to His thoughts?
I said that God changed my thoughts because I believe I can’t change anything about myself.
God led me to open His Word
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind… – Romans 12:2 (NIV)
How can we renew our minds? By reading the Word of God and meditating on it day and night.
The first time I read the bible it seems like I’m reading an encyclopedia – it is very hard to understand. I always caught up myself sleeping at the top of my bible.
But then I was determined to know God so I just kept on reading even though it doesn’t make sense because I believe a person who is willing and persistent in what he/she does will be rewarded. Those times I was aiming for a reward to know who God is.
God gave me a receptive heart
After encountering God during my suicidal attempts, God opened my heart and gave me a desire to love Him.
I believe if our heart is receptive before God, He will make sure we will experience the grandeur of His beautiful love. God’s love is beyond the beauty that we see and know in this world. The unfading love of God that creates remarkable history before, now, and until eternity.
I may not remember all the details in those moments when God intervened but all I knew then was I got to surrender by kneeling before Him and said, “I can’t live this life, please help me”. It was a repented heart longing to be rescued.
God provided the right people in my journey
As I continue my journey in this life God provided people that helped me in my struggles and taught me about God’s Word. People that are not perfect but still loving God with their lives. I admire how they face their trials but still at peace and full of joy in their heart.
They would always say to me that life of following Jesus will never be easy, it will cost us so much and that all you can do is to stretch out your hands to God and cry out to Him.
Well, I never understood what it meant but as I walk, I’ve seen that it was so real.
“Jesus called the crowd together with His disciples, and said to them, “If anyone wishes to follow Me [as My disciple], he must deny himself [set aside selfish interests], and take up his cross [expressing a willingness to endure whatever may come] and follow Me [believing in Me, conforming to My example in living and, if need be, suffering or perhaps dying because of faith in Me].” – Mark 8:34 (AMP)
Going through suicidal thoughts will lead you to the pit of darkness. Jesus knew that this fallen world is in darkness, that’s why He came and conquered darkness for humanity.
“When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, ‘I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life. “ – John 8:12 (NIV)
Confusion, worry, doubt, fear, depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts are NOT from God. He is all the opposite of it. God brings clarity, faith, hope, trust, forgiveness, and love.
Someone told me, “We can stop the pain without ending our life”.
We all suffered pain in different situations and time but ending our life just to stop the pain is never a solution no matter how high the level of pain we feel.
If you feel like you are in the darkness, you don’t know what to do and you can’t even think right know that Jesus is the light you only need. He brings forth light in your circumstances, as you come to Him and stay in His presence, your life will never be the same.
God created life magnificently wonderful as He is. There are more to discover about God’s marvelous creation and His waiting for us to experience it everyday as we come to Him.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION:
Recall a time when you encountered pain in your life? How did you go through it?
Do you believe that suicide can be a solution to end the pain? Why or Why not?
What can you tell to people who struggle to endure the pain that they are suffering?